Getting My First Short Story Published!

If you've kept a close eye on my website navigation bar, you might have noticed there's a new category called "Short Stories". 

Nothing gets past you, champ.

After two solid years of psyching myself up to let people read my fiction writing, and not just my endless snarky critiques of horror movies, I started submitting some old stories from a creative writing class to literary journals. Lo and behold, one of them just got accepted!

Over-Analyzing "The Purge": 4 Reasons Why the Purge is Even More Terrible Than You Think

At this point, we can all pretty much agree that 2016 has been one shit-laden clusterfuck of a year. And in honour of that shit-laden clusterfuck, I recently watched the only movie that really sums up the feel of current events: The Purge: Election Year. 

Like it or not, this is pretty much the most quintessentially American thing I've ever seen.

As I write this article, America is staring down the barrel of the first presidential candidate in history who thinks the Purge is a documentary and still can't quite wrap his head around the fact that other people have feelings. Americans everywhere are living in fear that they'll be called on to hunt the Most Dangerous Game come next March, and hey, they may have a point. But before you enroll your children in sniper training and start shopping around for the best deal on blast doors, let's take a moment to think about what the Purge would actually look like. For starters:

5 Things Men Do When They Are (Way, Way Too) Into You

There are two things I enjoy most in this world: key lime pie, and making fun of horrible advice I find on the internet. And since I'm currently rocking the physique of a butternut squash, the only joy I have left in this world is ripping apart lists of terrible life advice for insecure millennials.

"Someday, my great-great-great grandchildren will be proud to see that my whole squad was on fleek."

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a website called "Millennial Lifestyle", which, despite its name, knows nothing about healthy lifestyles or the seething resentment that all twenty-somethings feel at being called "millennials". Their list-based advice ranges from a toddler's understanding of weight loss ("have you tried eating vegetables?") to your bigoted grandfather's understanding of relationships ("have you tried not threatening his fragile masculinity with your academic and career successes?"). Another Edmonton-based writer masterfully took them down in the Huffington Post, and yet they're still churning out relationship advice that belongs in the back pages of a Farmer's Almanac from 1913. Recently, they tried to let us know what kinds of creepy, creepy things men do when they're into a woman - if you don't want to click through five pages of their clickbait nonsense, the main points will be quoted below.

Update on Cracked Stuff

If you're reading this, there's about a 50/50 chance that you found my website via 

You either found me on here, or you're probably my mom. Hi, mom.

For those of you who are new to "the Internet" or "humour", is one of the internet's largest humour sites, specializing in list articles like "The 5 Weirdest Disappearances No One Can Explain" or "The 7 Most Horrifying Twist Endings (Happened in Real Life)". There are thousands of articles on there, but those two are definitely the best. 

Why I'll Never Open a Hedgehog Cafe

A few months ago, I became aware of a pet hedgehog living in less-than-ideal circumstances who needed a new home. Despite the fact that I have never owned a hedgehog, nor have I ever felt a burning desire to own a hedgehog in particular, I did want a pet that my landlord would be cool with, and I didn't want this little guy to keep on being neglected. One thing led to another, and I now share my apartment with a tiny ball of spikes named Harley. Owning Harley has taught me a lot of things; mostly, what it's like to share my life with a living hairbrush that hates me.

This is Harley.

As a 20-something living in a developed nation in the year 2016, my self-esteem is largely dictated by how many strangers click buttons for me on the internet, and pet hedgehogs are social media methamphetamine cut with Scarface-grade cocaine. Within moments of getting the little bastard home, cleaning him up, and naming him 'Harley' - his previous owners were that special kind of neglectful who never bothered to name him - I had his image plastered all across my social media accounts. Even now, after saturating all my feeds with pictures of Harley for months, a photo of him is still pretty much a guaranteed shower of unwarranted internet attention.

10 Things Idiots Wish Women Knew About Dating

Everything and everyone that uses the word 'millennial' is terrible.

For those of you who have spent the last thirty years living alone in an underground bunker because no one told you the Cold War was over, 'millennial' is the semi-derogatory term used to describe everyone born between the early 1980s and a nebulous point in the early 2000s. Make no mistake, hatred for millennials is the same "darn kids today!" griping that's been going on since Socrates noticed the young people's togas were a little too revealing; the only difference is that millennials are somehow special, because we were between the ages of 19 and -3 years old at the turn of the millennium. Complaints about millennials usually centre around the fact that we use our smartphones too much, because apparently everyone was expecting us to be the first generation in human history to break from tens of thousands of years of evolution by refusing to improve our lives with the tools available to us. Sorry about that. We really let you down, guys.

Oh, and also we wear large glasses and work for tech startups, vegan juice bars or Buzzfeed. All of us work in one of those three places. Every single one of us. It doesn't seem statistically or demographically possible, but it's true.

I, too, like to gather an interracial selection of my friends each morning to check our iPads and drink coffee from a beaker.

There are only two types of people who use the word 'millennial': crotchety old people who don't understand Skype or youth unemployment, and misguided old people who think that people in their early twenties actually enjoy being called millennials, and use it to market things to us. This article is about a group of people who do that second thing.

For Real, Stop Learning About Human Psychology on Facebook (Part Three)

After five years and an amount of tuition money that will forever turn up in my nightmares, I am the proud holder of a psychology degree. It might not be the most practical degree, but it does have one benefit (other than the full-time, gainful employment it got me in my chosen field): it sometimes lets me know when strangers are wrong about things on the internet. 

It happens sometimes. Shocking, I know.

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