10 Things Idiots Wish Women Knew About Dating

Everything and everyone that uses the word 'millennial' is terrible.

For those of you who have spent the last thirty years living alone in an underground bunker because no one told you the Cold War was over, 'millennial' is the semi-derogatory term used to describe everyone born between the early 1980s and a nebulous point in the early 2000s. Make no mistake, hatred for millennials is the same "darn kids today!" griping that's been going on since Socrates noticed the young people's togas were a little too revealing; the only difference is that millennials are somehow special, because we were between the ages of 19 and -3 years old at the turn of the millennium. Complaints about millennials usually centre around the fact that we use our smartphones too much, because apparently everyone was expecting us to be the first generation in human history to break from tens of thousands of years of evolution by refusing to improve our lives with the tools available to us. Sorry about that. We really let you down, guys.

Oh, and also we wear large glasses and work for tech startups, vegan juice bars or Buzzfeed. All of us work in one of those three places. Every single one of us. It doesn't seem statistically or demographically possible, but it's true.

I, too, like to gather an interracial selection of my friends each morning to check our iPads and drink coffee from a beaker.

There are only two types of people who use the word 'millennial': crotchety old people who don't understand Skype or youth unemployment, and misguided old people who think that people in their early twenties actually enjoy being called millennials, and use it to market things to us. This article is about a group of people who do that second thing.

For Real, Stop Learning About Human Psychology on Facebook (Part Three)

After five years and an amount of tuition money that will forever turn up in my nightmares, I am the proud holder of a psychology degree. It might not be the most practical degree, but it does have one benefit (other than the full-time, gainful employment it got me in my chosen field): it sometimes lets me know when strangers are wrong about things on the internet. 

It happens sometimes. Shocking, I know.


Announcing the Six Finest Candidates for the Supreme Court of the United States

If you weren't in a coma on February 13th, 2016, and you occasionally leave the TV news playing in the background, you were probably surprised to hear about the death of Supreme Court judge and political dinosaur Antonin Scalia.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Justice Scalia's sudden death is obviously a huge tragedy for his family and friends, but it's also a pretty huge deal for the rest of the USA. The Supreme Court doesn't just exist to keep DC's robe dry cleaners in business; at any time, the Supreme Court has the power to strike down, uphold, or change the application of laws based on how they interpret the constitution. We're talking about a document that was drafted at a time when people set whale flesh on fire to read at night and treated public executions as fun family outings, but 200 years from now, when America is trying to decide how to legislate people uploading their brains onto computers and transcending the physical world, they'll deal with it by asking nine random lawyers what a bunch of dead 18th century politicians would have wanted. And that's why it's crucial that Scalia gets replaced with someone the USA can count on.


For Real, Stop Learning About Human Psychology on Facebook (Part Two)

Last week, I stumbled on the motherlode of bad psychology information floating around my Facebook newsfeed. I went to school for a long time to study psychology. I have a full-time job in psychology. There are millions of people around the world who have been helped, directly or indirectly, by the field of psychology. And it's posts like this that convince the general public that psychology is nothing more than hypnotism and voodoo.

The original post was such a massive load of steaming bullshit that I had to break it into four smaller, equally steamy loads of bullshit to get through the whole thing. This is part two.

Origin of the original post.

I know it's awfully disappointing that psychology used to make astonishing claims about dream interpretation and subliminal messaging, when today it mainly just sits in the corner playing with graphs, but that's what happens when a scientific discipline grows up and gets a real job. The bullshitty email forwarders of the world don't seem to want to accept that human psychology is way more boring than you think it is, and so they twist scientific studies or straight-up invent facts to spread amongst their equally bullshitty friends. But no more. I am on the case.

For Real, Stop Learning About Human Psychology on Facebook (Part One)

If you've read this blog for any substantial length of time, you'll know that I love psychology enough to hold a shiny degree in it (followed by an actual, honest-to-god full-time job in it), and I absolutely fucking hate it when my field of choice gets reduced to a series of glib 'fun facts' that haven't been considered true since Freud was still prescribing cocaine as a cure for opiate addiction.

For real, he killed his best friend with it. Look it up.

And since it's hard enough for psychology majors to be taken seriously without our entire field of study being reduced to a series of semi-fictional email forwards, you can imagine my immense, crushing disappointment when several of my Facebook friends littered my page with one massive dump of half-true psych facts and hilariously untrue fictions. Like, c'mon, they even superimposed them over stock photos to look legit. Since there's no greater force known to man than 20-something-year-old Nerd Rage, I am dedicating the next few posts to untangling the scientifically-backed probably-truth from the definite lies. Links will be provided throughout the post, but they'll be really hard to see, because I'm a hell of a lot better at writing than designing websites. 

Cracked Article #4

As most of my regular readers/devoted followers/binocular-wielding stalkers already know, I write for Cracked.com from time to time. This is one of those times.

Brace yourselves, it's a weird article this time.

Article #4 is called 'The 5 Weirdest Disappearances No One Can Explain', and you can get to it by clicking that link. If you like taking extra, unnecessary steps to do everything, for reasons known only to you and your therapist, you can find the full list of my Cracked articles at the top of my webpage. It's under "Cracked articles". Because I excel at labeling.

Four New Year's Resolutions You Might Actually Keep in 2016

Well, it's that time of year again, and this time we're staring down the barrel of the year 2016. To all of you future space-people reading this thousands of years from now, yes, we do have hoverboards in 2015 and they are exceptionally stupid.

Also, they don't even hover.

The start of the New Year is traditionally the time of year when everyone is expected to make meaningless, empty promises to transform themselves into a goddamn ubermensch in the coming calendar year. We're all fat, procrastinating assholes on December 31st, and we'll all be fat, procrastinating assholes by January 17th, but in those intervening days, it's socially acceptable to undergo the sort of abrupt personality change that would ordinarily qualify you for a psychiatric assessment. Everyone knows that you're going to sweat through exactly three sessions with Ricardo the personal trainer before you're too busy eating Doritos to return his calls, but you're still expected to go through the charade of declaring that this will be the year you stop having upper arms the shape and consistency of a swiss roll.

And it's time to cut that shit out.

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