Danielle Steel Takes the Greatest Author Photos of All Time

Let's talk about Danielle Steel.

This lady, right here.

For those of you who aren't rich, 50-something women, Danielle Steel is the bestselling author of approximately four thousand books about wealthy families blackmailing each other and going to jail over money. Everything she has ever written has turned into a bestseller, her books have been translated into virtually every remaining language on Earth, and she spends so much time perched on talk show couches that she has Oprah Winfrey on speed dial. She's the bestselling author currently breathing air, the fourth bestselling author in human history, and her real-life biography sounds more like a work of fiction than anything she's ever written. Fans praise her for her style, her stories, and her ability to put out new novels at a pace that suggests she's actually a team of enslaved writers living underneath Danielle Steel's kitchen floor. 

But what we should really be praising her for are her author photos. 


Oh, just you wait. The best ones are coming.

Author photos are typically small headshots tucked into the back flap of a book jacket, so you can catch a glimpse of the elusive 'author' species each time you finish a book. They look like something you could have taken at any Walmart Portrait studio - they're tasteful little pictures of the author smiling, or looking off into the distance, the ache of the artist's burning soul reflected in his eyes. 

But not Danielle Steel. 

Danielle Steel's author photos aren't on the back cover; they are the back cover, giant glossy photos that show the authoress in all her glory. And since grinning headshots probably start to get a little stale sometime around your 80th book, Danielle Steel has brought the world author headshots that should themselves be considered works of art. Behold:

"No, Gustav, I don't have time to finish sewing this dress, I have to go back inside and write four more novels after we're done here. I'll just hold up the fabric like this, and we'll take it outside the gate so the neighbours don't realize it's me."

 "Gustav, I have places to be, and I'm not waiting for you. Just take the picture while I power-walk in the opposite direction."

 "No, Gustav, you were four minutes late for this photo shoot, and now Oprah is expecting me for lunch. Fine, take the picture if you must. But I am not getting out of this van."

 "Gustav, are you insane? This chair is an antique, I can't sit in it. Oh, alright, if you insist, I'll just perch awkwardly across the backrest."

 "The only thing I want to showcase in this photo is the fact that I have better hair than any woman half my age.

 "Gustav, I don't care how it looks, I need to match the sofa. I am wearing the Christmas tree skirt, and that's final."

 "Gustav, you had one job today, and it was to put away these books. Do these look put away to you? No, no, put the stacks of books in the photo. I want the world to see your shame."

 "I own fancy things because I have sold more books than Jesus himself."

 "I am not taking off my raincoat. I'm naked under here. But I will put on this enormous pearl collar. Happy now?"

 "More. I demand more photos of me in billowy pink raincoats."

"Yes. I will touch the desk. This is what writers do. We touch desks."

So the next time you're in any bookstore on the planet, wander over to the Danielle Steel section and turn the books over to the back covers. Ms. Steel is perhaps the first author among us who has raised the author photo from a mandatory annoyance to an art form, and for that, I salute her.



2 comments

  1. http://www.cracked.com/article_22250_6-bizarre-medical-conditions-that-shouldnt-be-possible.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm... that Cracked article looks awfully familiar...

      Delete

Back to Top