Announcing the Six Finest Candidates for the Supreme Court of the United States

If you weren't in a coma on February 13th, 2016, and you occasionally leave the TV news playing in the background, you were probably surprised to hear about the death of Supreme Court judge and political dinosaur Antonin Scalia.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Justice Scalia's sudden death is obviously a huge tragedy for his family and friends, but it's also a pretty huge deal for the rest of the USA. The Supreme Court doesn't just exist to keep DC's robe dry cleaners in business; at any time, the Supreme Court has the power to strike down, uphold, or change the application of laws based on how they interpret the constitution. We're talking about a document that was drafted at a time when people set whale flesh on fire to read at night and treated public executions as fun family outings, but 200 years from now, when America is trying to decide how to legislate people uploading their brains onto computers and transcending the physical world, they'll deal with it by asking nine random lawyers what a bunch of dead 18th century politicians would have wanted. And that's why it's crucial that Scalia gets replaced with someone the USA can count on.

Although I think we can all agree computer-brains would be a 'yes' from Ginsburg.

There are 300-ish days left to Barack Obama's presidency, depending on when I finally get around to posting this, but the person he names to the Supreme Court will serve until they drop dead or fossilize. Picking the right person is crucial, and that's why the President desperately needs the help of a random 23-year-old Canadian girl to choose the perfect judge for the job.

Not to worry, Mr. President. I got this. The next Supreme Court judge should be:

Barack Obama

Bam! Can you imagine? I mean, part of me would be surprised if the President was legally allowed to name himself to the Supreme Court, but an even bigger part of me would be even more surprised if there was an explicit rule against it. We're talking about a country that will grant you the constitutional right to bring your assault weapons to the grocery store, but isn't totally comfortable granting you this whole 'paid parental leave' thing that 185 other countries have. Their laws are zany and unpredictable, and it should be the solemn duty of all higher elected officials to do the weirdest shit they can, all the time, just to see if they can break them.

Besides, I think this would be a good thing for Obama. Ever since the United States removed the "assassination" option from the presidential retirement package in 1963, former US presidents find themselves with a lot of time to fill after their time in office is complete. What else is Obama supposed to do with himself? Start an herb garden? Build a summer cabin? Smuggle his family out of the country under assumed identities to escape the upcoming Trump Purges of 2017? Sitting on the Supreme Court will be a fun activity to occupy this former POTUS at an age when most other men turn to WalMart greeting to fill their days.

But most importantly, Obama appointing himself to the Supreme Court would cause Mitch McConnell's head to explode, and that's something we all want to see.

Stephen King

To be clear, bestselling author Stephen King does not have a law degree, has never worked in law, and is probably in no way qualified to be on the Supreme Court. But dammit, doesn't he just look like a Supreme Court judge? I mean, take a good look at that photo. His jawline is as solid as my right to buy violent video games in the state of California. His "maybe I'm an eccentric old man, or maybe I'm growing in a man bun, who knows" hairstyle makes him trustworthy in the eyes of both the senior and tasty, tasty youth vote. His typewriter and glasses predate the 22nd amendment, and that fact alone probably makes him an ideal candidate to serve an indefinite term in an appointed seat of power.

Plus, I think it would do us all good to have a writer on the Supreme Court. Have you ever read a majority opinion? Those things are dull as shit. The Supreme Court could rule that it's within your constitutional rights to hunt your fucking neighbour for sport, and you still wouldn't want to actually read the majority opinion on the matter. Stephen King once wrote an entire novel about a woman escaping from a set of handcuffs. I'm sure he can spice up a 4000-word essay about how close a dog is allowed to be to your butt before it's violating your 4th Amendment rights.

The Exhumed Corpse of Benjamin Franklin

See, the real problem with the Supreme Court is that they're trying to interpret the hopes and desires of seven men who couldn't envision a world where flush toilets exist, never mind a world with abortions and gay rights and labour laws. Did the founding fathers dream of a future where every man, woman and child owned an assault rifle and a licence to hunt unruly minimum wage employees? Or did they dream of a world where working mothers lead companies and no one is forced to perform DIY medical procedures with a screwdriver? The only way to know for sure is to dig one of them up and place him on the Supreme Court.

Benjamin Franklin is the obvious choice for the position - his face appears on the highest denomination of currency, which obviously means he's the best. Suck on that, Lincoln.

The Hogwarts Sorting Hat

Another problem with Supreme Court judges is that they're all mortal, except for Ruth Ginsberg, who will outlive the sun and all that orbits it. Every so often one of them dies, or gets it in their head that they would like to retire and spend time with the family they haven't seen since their undergrad days, and the whole country goes into an upheaval until a new judge is found. On top of that, mortals tend to have pesky biases; some might be biased toward moderate, centrist interpretations of the constitution, while other people prefer to envision the country being ruled by the tiny fists of a gigantic, angry troll doll. And while we probably could fight human bias with careful training, selective recruitment of judges and informed policy changes, I think everyone agrees that it would just be much easier to recruit a magical talking hat from a fictional children's book to do the job.

The Sorting Hat, as we all know, is an unquestionable font of wisdom and excellent decision making that only occasionally allows itself to be persuaded by the opinions of 11-year-olds. It also has no need for breaks, vacation time, meal allowances or judicial robes, because once again, I am suggesting that we nominate a filthy piece of headgear for the Supreme Court. So long as we can figure out how to get it to stop shrieking "Slytherin!" every time it gets near Clarence Thomas, I think having the Sorting Hat on the court is a bit of mischief we can all manage.

The Man in this Stock Photo of a Judge

I do not know who this man is. I do not know his name. I do not know his credentials, although the fact that he poses in free stock images for a living makes me seriously doubt that he passed the bar exam. But I do know one thing: this man is ready for the Supreme Court.

For one thing, he has his own gavel. This is very important. As many of you know, the United States is in a lot of debt right now, and can no longer afford to provide high-quality wooden gavels like the one this man is holding. Likewise for the borrowed high school graduation robes he's wearing as a judge's robe. Furthermore, if you look closely, you'll see that this man also owns a tiny block of wood on which to bang his gavel, in order to protect the desk. This is also very important, because I assume desks cost even more than gavels.

Lastly, we can see that this man owns at least three books and many file folders. At its current rate, the Supreme Court's insatiable appetite for books and manila folders will place them so far in debt with their overlords at book and office supply sellers that by the year 2030, they will be forced to change their name to the Staples (tm) Supreme Court of the United States of America. If appointing this man and his enormous stack of file folders can stave off the inevitable for even one year, it's probably worth the untold social cost of having an untrained actor in the highest judicial office.

The Washington Monument

It's old. It's white. It has a phallus. The whole government is in its shadow. You can all go home, everyone, because I've finally found the perfect candidate. 

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