10 Things Idiots Wish Women Knew About Dating

Everything and everyone that uses the word 'millennial' is terrible.

For those of you who have spent the last thirty years living alone in an underground bunker because no one told you the Cold War was over, 'millennial' is the semi-derogatory term used to describe everyone born between the early 1980s and a nebulous point in the early 2000s. Make no mistake, hatred for millennials is the same "darn kids today!" griping that's been going on since Socrates noticed the young people's togas were a little too revealing; the only difference is that millennials are somehow special, because we were between the ages of 19 and -3 years old at the turn of the millennium. Complaints about millennials usually centre around the fact that we use our smartphones too much, because apparently everyone was expecting us to be the first generation in human history to break from tens of thousands of years of evolution by refusing to improve our lives with the tools available to us. Sorry about that. We really let you down, guys.

Oh, and also we wear large glasses and work for tech startups, vegan juice bars or Buzzfeed. All of us work in one of those three places. Every single one of us. It doesn't seem statistically or demographically possible, but it's true.

I, too, like to gather an interracial selection of my friends each morning to check our iPads and drink coffee from a beaker.

There are only two types of people who use the word 'millennial': crotchety old people who don't understand Skype or youth unemployment, and misguided old people who think that people in their early twenties actually enjoy being called millennials, and use it to market things to us. This article is about a group of people who do that second thing.



This is what you look like when you market things 'to millennials'.

In this day and age, the only word that's actually worse than 'millennial' is 'lifestyle'. Once upon a time, 'lifestyle' was a perfectly good word to describe the sort of person who raises llamas on a houseboat, or make subtle hints about the situation of the extremely well-dressed male "roommates" next door. Today, however, the word 'lifestyle' has been taken over by terrifying rich white women, who insist that the secret to health and well-being is to drink $87 fruit juice and roll around in live bees. Every lifestyle blog in existence is either written by a well-meaning idiot who can't wait to tell the world that switching to a diet of raw fruits cured her imaginary vaginal fungus, or a company trying to sell you viscous green fluids that give you made-up superpowers. All of these sites are terrible, and should be avoided.

What happens when you mix 'millennial' and 'lifestyle' together, you might ask? You get the worst fucking website of all time: Millennial Lifestyle.

Google Images thinks this is what a 'Millennial Lifestyle' looks like.

When they're not dishing out pointlessly obvious weight loss advice like 'eat some vegetables' and 'jog every now and then, fatass', they are proudly dispensing relationship and lifestyle advice that looks like it came out of a 1950s Farmer's Almanac. I am not the first person to write about how stupid Millennial Lifestyle is, and I certainly won't be the last, but I do intend to be the funniest. Some time ago, they turned their infinite wisdom to the topic of women and dating, and a (female) writer shat out a list of the ten things men just wish women knew about dating. If you don't want to go to the trouble of clicking through all ten pages of their pointless traffic trap, don't worry - the full article is here for your viewing and critiquing pleasure.

Images are mine because theirs were lame.

1. Men are way more insecure than they let on


Many men like to put on a confident and self-assured front, but in reality, they can actually be insecure. It’s important to show your partner that are interested in him for who he is so that he can relax and feel at ease.

Holy tap-dancing tinkle-tits, are you sure? Men have insecurities? Like normal people? I think I need to sit down. I mean, I knew that literally every adult human on the planet is under immense pressure to spend six hours a day at the gym while still miraculously finding time to rise through the ranks of their lucrative, personally fulfilling job, travel the world on exotic vacations and bombard their millions of devoted social media followers with effortlessly perfect selfies and pictures of whatever the fuck 'cold-pressed juice' is, but I was somehow under the impression that this had no effect on 50% of the population. This article has really opened my eyes. The next time a man in my life tells me that he feels like a failure, I'll probably try reassuring him and listing some good things about him, instead of my usual approach, which was just to kick him over and over again while stealing his wallet. Thanks, Millennial Lifestyle!

Woah, woah, woah, do you think the screeching man-children who call women ugly whores on Tinder might be... insecure? Holy shit, I think they're onto something here.

2. Men process things differently


Most men don’t share well and like their alone time. These are just a few ways men differ from women. It’s important not to expect that your partner will respond to situations the same way you would and to allow him to deal with things his own way.

For instance, when you find an angry wolverine living under the porch stairs, silly woman, you probably go inside and call pest control, because women don't know how to solve problems without talking on the phone. Meanwhile, your man will want to go outside and slay the beast with the end of a sharpened hockey stick, because his balls tell him he has to. You just have to let him do it. He's dealing with the problem in his own way. And afterwards, don't you dare call him an ambulance. The man needs his precious alone time to succumb to rabies and blood loss in the backyard.

3. Men are not mind readers


A relationship shouldn’t be a guessing game. Many men wish their partners would be straightforward and it’s a huge relief if they are told exactly what exactly wanted or expected of them. [sic]

I had to put the [I'm not the idiot who doesn't know how to write] mark on this one, so right off the bat, you know this is solid advice. Furthermore, fuck you. If I'm expected to sit back and watch a dude try to mow the lawn with a fork taped to a weedwhacker because "men process things differently", I think it's only fair that he learn how to read minds.

4. Less is more when it comes to makeup



Many women believe that they have to get all dolled up in order to impress their partner. The reality is most men prefer their wife or girlfriend wear a more natural look because they think their better half looks more beautiful without make up. 

Well, this is both good news and bad news. The good news is that I no longer have to spend $300 per year to pretend I have naturally gold eyelids and thick black lines protruding from the sides of my eyeballs. This will also save us a great deal of time, as we will no longer have to break out the cake frosting knife to apply a thick layer of cosmetics every time we want to go to work, school, the gym, the hospital, weddings, funerals, children's birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, cult meetings, public executions, or anywhere else we might be seen by men whose approval we desperately crave. Makeup artists, YouTube makeup tutorial stars and women who wear dramatic makeup because they enjoy it should immediately locate their male partner and fling themselves at his feet, to beg his forgiveness for obstructing his view of their natural beauty.

The bad news is that women will have to establish a completely new hierarchy system; up until this great wisdom was imparted to us, women would establish dominance by seeing who had the boldest and most symmetrical winged eyeliner. Ties were traditionally broken with whose brows were the most 'on-fleek' or whose lipstick was matte enough to absorb all light from the room. Since all of womankind will no doubt agree to look like dewy twelve-year-olds on command, we'll probably have to revert to basing female worth on who has pushed out the most sons.

Or we'll just concede defeat to the lesbians, because they don't give a fuck what men think.

5. Show you appreciate them—even when they don’t meet expectations


All your man wants to do is make you happy. However, the reality is he won’t always live up to your expectations all the time—and that’s okay. Even if their plans to show their affection for you backfire, it’s still important you express your appreciation for them.

Oh, what's that, honey? You sat around the house in stained boxers all day and watched an exotic fungus colonize our shower? You tried to cook me a romantic dinner and set fire to our home? You tried to surprise me with flowers and tripped and fell dick-first into my sister? Well that's just fuckity fucking fantastic! Because remember, ladies, this article doesn't tell you to set reasonable expectations for your mate, like not masturbating in public, or remembering to empty out his bellybutton lint once in a while. This article tells you that no matter what your expectations are, all men are overgrown, bumbling children, straight out of a bad animated sitcom, and you can't expect them to act like responsible adults even a little bit. As a woman, your job is to shower them with cake and blowjobs through fuckup after fuckup, until he eventually leaves you for a younger, thinner doormat. Thanks, Millennial Lifestyle!

6. Men like physical connection (even if it doesn’t lead to something else)


Often women think that men only desire specific physical contact. That’s not necessarily the case. Most men still appreciate hand holding, hugging and cuddling, but they’re not always going to be the ones to initiate this contact.

Wait a sec. Hold up. Are you telling me that men - just like literally every other member of the species Homo sapiens sapiens - require regular human contact to stay healthy? And that since men can't even tap each other on the shoulder without shrieking 'no homo', they'll probably look for physical contact with the woman in their lives? Holy shit, I hope the author didn't actually get paid to write this. From now on, I'll be greeting all the men in my life with a hearty wrestling hold, just to make sure they're getting the physical contact they need.

7. Men don’t want to be making all the decisions


Many women want their partner to handle all the decision-making. However, many men would prefer if they weren’t always the ones in control. Even though they might not admit it, many men wouldn’t mind it if their partner was willing to take more of leadership role in their relationship.

First of all, what kind of 'leadership role' does he want me to take on? Is he hoping I'll come home one day and say 'Honey, pack your shit because I've sold the house and signed us up to be aid workers in rural Zimbabwe, our flight leaves at dawn'? Or does he just want me to pick the restaurant from time to time? And most importantly, if I'm only acting like a leader because he told me to, am I actually being a leader?

Also, six entries ago the author was assuming that I'm too stupid to figure out that men have insecurities, and now she wants me to make some kind of decision on the man's behalf. If I'm dumb enough to believe that men buy expensive cars and Ed Hardy jeans because they're self-confident, then all the men I know are better off getting leadership from a golden retriever.

8. Men think you look the hottest after you’ve worked out


You might think you look disgusting, but believe it or not, your husband or boyfriend likely thinks you look the most attractive when you’re wearing your running shoes and your workout clothes.

Well, I've been wasting my time showering and cleaning my clothes, because as it turns out, men want us to look and smell like a sodden armpit at all times. Throw out your dresses, kick off your heels, and scrape off your makeup with your unpolished fingernails, ladies, because you're going to his brother's wedding in a pair of stained dolphin shorts and a stinky sports bra. And the best part is, you'll already have your running shoes on when you get chased out of the reception hall. He'll be so proud!

9. Men crave romance too


Grand romantic gestures shouldn’t always be the man’s responsibility. Men like it when you surprise them with gifts of chocolate, flowers or even the occasional romantic dinner.

Oh my god. Men need reassurance, physical contact with other humans, and now the occasional romantic gesture to remind them that their partners care about them? I think I need to go lie down. Next thing you know, she'll be telling me that men have hopes and dreams and rich inner lives, and I'm not sure that my feeble, emotional woman-brain can handle that kind of revelation.

The good news is, in this modern, progressive age of 2016, I assume that the rule about appreciating your partner's failures works both ways; if I try to stage a romantic scene at an airport and end up getting us both arrested for domestic terrorism, I still fully expect my efforts to be appreciated.

 10. Men like funny women


Some women prefer to keep their sense of humor hidden when they first start dating someone. The truth is that most men like dating funny women—even if it falls flat. A joke is a great icebreaker and even if it bombs terribly.

There are two vitally important things we need to learn here. The first is that you can pack it in now, other ladies of the world, because I am goddamn hilarious and all of the men are now mine. But the second, and most important lesson, is that if you're not a naturally funny person, don't you dare show off your real personality or talk about things that interest you. No, the key to winning love as an unfunny woman is just to helplessly bray jokes at your date like a panicked donkey, pleading for death with your eyes while your mouth vomits out joke after half-remembered joke with no punchline. The long, frigid silence that comes afterwards isn't awkwardness - it's the sound of him falling hopelessly in love with you.

What other bad advice have you found on the internet? Send it to me so that I may mock it.


7 comments

  1. You're hilarious!

    Self-help blogs....I find them useless, boring and out there to dupe people. There's also lots of information on writing, for newcomers of course. Most of it too, I have found to be useless and written just for getting traffic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks!!

      I feel your pain. I'm so tired of clicking on "7 Things You Need to Know to the the Most Successful Writer Ever, For Reals" and realizing it's all just stuff like "proofread" and "use commas".

      Delete
  2. Hahaha!! Killer post. I would rate it 3.5 stars out of 5. Some points were so hilarious really. Will never forget the image you chosen for point 6 and explanation of "millennials" lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! That happens to be my favourite picture as well.

      Delete
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