How to Get Through Election Day 2016

Well, folks, after four solid years of campaigning, the day of the 2016 American Presidential Election has finally arrived.

Depicted here.

As we all wait to find out whether we'll be celebrating the election of America's first female president, or desperately stocking up on weapons and blast doors for the commencement of the first annual Purge, tensions are running a little high. If you're an eligible US voter, you should be out at the polls right now, collecting your "I voted" sticker and maybe not taking a selfie with your ballot. But if you're not a US voter, or if you've already cast your ballot, here a few suggestions to take your mind off the impending end of American democracy as we know it:

Take Up Black Tar Heroin

In the words of Michelle Obama, "When they go low, we get high", and when the most powerful nation on earth is seriously toying with the idea of being ruled by a dictator made out of peeled sunburn skin, the only high that's going to cut it is the sweet, sweet release of heroin. With just one dose, you can ruin your life and your veins faster than Jeb Bush ruined his campaign. And when you're finished destroying your family, you might be able to regain basic situational awareness just in time to cast your ballot for Kanye West in 2024.

Eat Your Body Weight in Twinkies

In a lot of ways, Twinkies are just like this presidential election: they're bad for you, they last forever, and they're completely devoid any value whatsoever. So, naturally, there's no better way to celebrate this election than to stuff yourself full of Twinkies until it hurts to breathe. Don't bother hanging out with your friends, or watching Netflix,or going about your daily life. Just cram your insides full of Twinkies until a triple coronary takes you away from this cruel world forever. 

Start a Doomsday Cult

Deep down, we all want to start Doomsday cults. You want one. Your best friend wants one. Your elderly grandmother wants one. Your dog wants one. But under ordinary circumstances, founding a doomsday cult takes a lot of work. Not only do you have to convince people that the apocalypse is coming, but you've got to be convincing enough to trick dozens of vulnerable strangers into giving up all their worldly possessions and moving to your South American tax haven to die. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But with the election results still hours away, there's never been a more convenient time to convince fragile people that the end is nigh and herd all your newfound followers off the nearest highway overpass. 

Abandon the Only Life You've Ever Known for the High Seas

If you're concerned about one of the presidential candidates' tax plans, political experience or plot to turn an international superpower into a live reenactment of The Handmaid's Tale, the best course of action may be to quit your job, abandon your desperate family and take off for an exciting new life in International Waters. You may not have access to medical care, human love, or food that won't make your teeth fall out, but as you drift aimlessly through the black waters for the rest of your short life, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you'll never have to see a red trucker cap again. And I, personally, think that will provide great comfort to your grieving spouse and children. 


At the end of the day, there is no escaping this election. Even after the posters are torn down and the last survivors of the Great Civil War emerge from the wreckage to begin life in America anew, the election will never end for you. You'll watch the debates over and over in your dreams. You'll have flashbacks of the great Twitter battles. Voices you can't quite identify will whisper "Nasty woman" and "Bad Hombre" in your ears when you're alone. All you do is cry. Weep for what was, and what could have been. Sob until your head goes light and you pass out from dehydration. For only then will you know peace. 

If you need something to get you through the election results tonight, I'll be live-Tweeting my snarky, Canadian thoughts through the whole thing. See you on the other side, friends. 

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